You may be addicted to the Net when...
1. You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications Decency
2. You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
3. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
4. Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
5. You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
6. You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone
7. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular
modem and a laptop.
8. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your
child in the overhead compartment.
9. All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to
the net: 56KPS...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
10. And even your night dreams are in HTML.
11. You find yourself typing .COM after every period when using a word
12. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
13. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
14. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au.
15. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new
WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart
16. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and
you don't have a clue when it happened.
17. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new
18. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you what she
19. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
20. When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of
them are already highlighted in purple.
21. Your dog has its own home page.
22. You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through
23. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
24. You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where
your children are.
25. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
26. You refer to your age as 3.x.
27. You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even
his friends know not to call on his line anymore.
28. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
29. Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your
favorite IRC channel.
30. You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
31. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they
have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
32. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
33. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
34. Your husband tells you he's had the beard for two months.
35. You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from
36. You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
37. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your
e-mail on the way back to bed.
38. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
39. You tell the cab driver you live at
40. You actually try that 123.elm.street address.
41. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work
to do!" and you don't even have a job.
42. Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC
43. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
44. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
45. You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines
46. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01 or
47. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP, because
you never log off.
48. The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
49. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front
of your computer with a toilet.
50. You forget what year it is.
51. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
52. You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.
53. You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it
sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for Surfing the Net.
54. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to
call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
55. You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.
56. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy
another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
57. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first
instinct is to search for the BACK button.
58. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for
the free Internet access.
59. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
60. Only communication in your household is through email.
61. Choice between paying Compuserve bill and paying for kids education is a
no brainer -- although a bit painful for your kids.
62. AT&T names you Customer of the Month for the third consecutive time.
63. Batteries in the TV remote now last for months.
64. You hire a housekeeper for your home page.
65. New mail alarm on your palmtop annoys other churchgoers.
66. Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.
67. You unsuccessfully try to download a pizza from www.dominos.com.
68. You come back and check this list every half-hour.
Thanks to Chris Oliver for this wonderful and delicate poetry